he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
