dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
