What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
