I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
