Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
