I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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