dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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