I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Pants are for mortals
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
