I will die if light touches me.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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