I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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