I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
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If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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