if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
