If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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