remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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