dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
