shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
