did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
