In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
