The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
