she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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