last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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