I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
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Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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