I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Randomize
