You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
