Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
