Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
