Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
