My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
