I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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