I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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