Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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