Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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