Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
