Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
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Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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