i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
