So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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