When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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