i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
