i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
