as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
