she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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