Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
