i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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