Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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