hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
