Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
