Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
