dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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