I'm so fucking centered right now
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
