can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
