Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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