I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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