does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
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Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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