i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
