Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
COCAINE IS GR8
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
please don't ironically join a cult
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