Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
