I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
