thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
