12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
