Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
