If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
