yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
